Broken Souls ... by Annay Dawson
Chapter 20
“Want to come in for,” was all she got out as they reached the top of the stairs before Holden grabbed her and pulled her into him enjoying the feel of her softness against him. The night had been almost perfect and after a tasty meal, which he couldn’t remember what he ate even if his life depended on it, and a lovely walk back to her apartment he was where he wanted to be. He smiled as he swung her around putting her face to face, nose to nose, with him. She giggled a little nervously.
“I know what I want,” and he moved his face closer to hers and slowly brought his head down to kiss her. His lips, slow and gentle at first, tasted her before thoroughly covering her lips as his hand moved around to the back of her head lacing his fingers into her ponytail. He could feel the softness of her hair as he played with it wanting nothing more than to pull it loose allowing him total access to each golden strand. The sweetness of her lips and silkiness of her hair was a heady combination. As his mouth worked happily away on her lips, his tongue slowly parted them to allow him better access. Giving in to temptation his hand gently pulling at her ponytail holder freeing the strands.
Removing the band fueled his efforts as he cradled her head with his one hand enjoying the silkiness of her hair. His other hand traced a path down her back and around to the zipper pull on her jacket. Deliberately, slowly, he pulled at the zipper on her jacket. Her jacket gave way and he finally slipped his hand inside and around to the small of her back where it settled. He was rewarded by the warmth that greeted him. He loved the feeling of her soft silky hair that smelled of apples and berries bunched up in his fingers, and the warmth of her body was intoxicating. Smiling he moved even closer to her until their bodies were pressed tightly against each other leaving no questions about what he wanted.
He wanted nothing more than to stay the night with her. They had come so close so many times and he had always backed away, allowing her space she seemed to need, but tonight it looked as if the time for caution was over. Her slender, leith body was leaning into him and her hands had slid around his neck opening herself up to his advances. One of her hands had a firm grip on his hair, the fingers of other played a sensual symphony on the back of his neck. He was happy, really happy and he thought she felt the same. It had been weeks since he had first seen her and it had all built up to this moment. During the meal her fingers had played with his nonchalantly as she talked about her day. Now as he let his hand caress her spine he felt the shivers it invoked in both of them.
Letting go of her hair he slipped his hand up behind his head to take the keys that hung from one finger. Not willing to stop his exploration of her lips and mouth he fumbled with the lock blindly behind her. Smiling only slightly as the door opened he pulled away simply for a second. It was just long enough to wrap both of his arms around her and lift her from the ground walking them both into the dark apartment. Kicking the door closed with his foot he threw them into semi-darkness with just the soft glow of the street light peeking between the slits of the closed curtains. This time he leaned back against the door letting her weight rest on him with the tips of her toes barely touching the ground. His hand resumed it’s mischievous exploration of her hair.
“Am. I. Hurting. You?” Kari whispered against his lips between kisses. After all she had seen some of the scars, not all of them, and she wasn’t sure where he was in the recovery phase. When all she got for a reply was a low throaty growl, she relaxed back onto his solid frame. He felt warm and strong and how he had rested her against him left no doubt in her mind that he wanted her, tonight. She could feel his hands return to their slow and thorough exploration, igniting sparks wherever his fingers touched this time slipping under her shirt meeting up with her already molten skin.
Her hair now fell about her face in an unruly frame blocking out everything else but him. She could feel Holden’s one hand toying with the ends of her hair so gently it set the rest of her nerve endings alight. The heat emanating off of his body warmed her and felt so right. When the rough tips of his fingers finally reached her soft skin she shivered, but not because it was cold.
Holden picked her up taking the hand from her hair and swinging her legs up onto that arm for support, and without missing a step started to walk toward the bedroom. All the while never letting his mouth stop it's heavenly delicious assault. Her giggles only heightened his desire for her but he was careful not to hurry too fast toward the bedroom. After all tripping in the dark and landing on top of her would definitely kill the mood. His lips slipped from hers as he tentatively explored her jawbone, nibbling his way up to her ear. The fruity smell that wafted from her hair wrapped around him as his lips reached their goal. His teeth gently tugged on her earlobe as he gracefully moved around the couch and toward the bedroom. He was rewarded with her giggles being replaced with a moan of pleasure.
Kari was happy. Holden’s touch, the way he looked at her, the way he kissed her, the way he held her had her wanting more. The warmth from his body made her bones melt into his as he picked her up and started to carry her through her apartment. His kisses were soft, sweet, and then passionate leaving no question in her mind that he wanted more as well. It had been so long since she had even wanted someone to touch her and now all she wanted was to feel his hands all over her body, his skin touching hers. Wrapping her arms tighter around his neck she realized she wanted him more than she had ever wanted anyone. At that moment she froze.
Holden was almost to her bedroom. He was already fantasizing about laying her down gently on her bed, slowly undressing her and taking the time she deserved. He had all night and he smiled as he thought about how he was going to spend it. He had been with other women, but this was different. He wanted to take his time, make her understand how special she was to him. Kari had found a way into his heart when he though no one could. It was a new feeling for him. They had talked and shared so much. Things he never thought he would tell anyone. The psychologist didn’t even know some of the things he had told Kari. That was why he had to go in routinely to Dr. McCoy. If Dr. McCoy hadn’t been in town they wouldn’t have allowed him to leave. Dr. McCoy had experience with cases like his. As it turned out he needed Kari, not the good doctor. This caring loving person that listened to him and listened to all the bad memories he had. Letting him release them and let them die the way they should, and with the reverence that they should have. Kari understood him, she had experienced tragic loss as well. A person that needed him as much as he needed her. He felt more connected to her than he had ever felt to anyone and that in itself scared him. He wasn’t sure of all of his feelings for her but he knew this was more than just a casual hook-up for him and it was this new fear that he welcomed. Taking a deep breath and breathing in her scent for courage he moved toward the doorway.
Holden felt her muscles tense, her body freeze but he was totally unprepared for her hand to fly out and grab at the doorframe to stop him. He felt and smelled fear. It was the smell, a smell that he had experienced too many time before and it wasn’t what he was supposed to be getting from her right now. In fact she had such a grip on the doorframe that it stopped him in his tracks.
“We can’t do this,” she breathed into his ear.
“Are you okay?” Holden stood frozen, afraid to move, holding her and hoping for some answer he could fix.
“No,” and he could feel her panic begin to boil up from the pit of her being. She was breathing like she had run a marathon and she had paled so much so that even in the little light he had he could tell. Her voice pitched high as the panic took hold, “No, put me down. I can’t do this.”
“Okay, okay. Relax, we don’t have to do anything,” now he could feel her hands pushing him away as soon as her feet hit the ground.
“I can’t,” Kari started to push at his chest almost frantic to get away. Her head was spinning with questions that she didn't have the answers for. How could she feel like this for someone else? Did Trevor have no meaning to her anymore? Holden moved away but that didn’t stop the feeling of the walls falling in on her. She placed one hand on her chest trying to catch her breath.
“Calm down, it’s okay. We don’t have to,” and that’s when it all came tumbling down, or out.
“I can’t do this,” and she started to pace the room. Holden jumped back and turned on the light. “I can’t ever do this. I don’t know what I was thinking.” She hadn't stopped moving.
“I’m a little confused here,” Holden was trying to keep up but she was pacing so frantically that he stopped. He was standing by the bedroom door just watching her. Out of the corner of his eye he saw it. On the nightstand there was a picture. It wasn’t just a picture though, it was a picture of her and another guy looking very happy and very much in love. This guy had to be Trevor. He got it, and as the clouds left his head he understood what was going on.
“You have to leave,” Kari was standing still now, her arms wrapped tightly around her. The color had completely drained from her face, her hair still a mess from when he had set it free from it’s ponytail.
“Kari, let’s just slow it down,” Holden walked toward the couch.
“No. Just leave,” she was rubbing her arms unconsciously and staring at the bedroom door.
“Kari...”
“Leave,” her voice went up an octave or two panic rearing its ugly head. Holden could tell that everything he had, everything he thought he wanted for his future, was slipping away. Hell, he didn’t even know exactly what it was he wanted but he knew that it wasn’t this. He wanted to try to find out if they had a future and right now that wasn’t looking good.
“Kari come sit down and let’s talk about all of this. Tell me what's going on. I can help,” Kari walked purposefully over to the front door and opened it letting the cold air breeze into the room.
“I said leave,” this time she was louder, firmer. Holden stood with his hands on his hips, face set. The cold air fueling his anger. He wasn’t smiling as he walked toward her and the door. Keeping his eyes focused on her the whole time as he moved deliberately. As he reached out his hand to touch her she shied away. It was then that his temper boiled and he could no longer contain it. The trust they had built, everything that had happened, all the talking had just fell away. One picture, that was all that it had taken, and she hadn’t even looked at it. Just the idea of it had completely made her fold in upon herself.
“Kari,” this time his voice sounded strained, hard.
“Please,” and she looked at the floor as she shivered from the cold breeze now filling the room, “I can't do this. Please leave.”
“Sooner or later,” this time Holden stood in the door with his hands clenched at his sides. All he wanted was to touch her, try and bring her back to the easy understanding that had built between them, and that wouldn’t be happening right now. He hurt, and although it wasn't right, wasn't who he was, he wanted her to hurt too. To understand just what was happening, “you are going to want to sleep with something more than a ghost.” With that her head shot up and her eyes widened in her pale face.
“How dare you!” Color was flaring up in her face now, “Get. Out!”
“Really? How dare you? You come here to start your life back up again and just when it starts to get real you run,” something in the back of his head said to stop there but his mouth wasn’t listening to that part of his brain, “Run back to the ghost that was your past. Back to the ghost that you sleep with each night and away from the life you could have,” and that was when she slapped him, his head snapping to the side.
“At least I haven’t run away from my ghosts leaving, trying to forget them and their pain,” this time she watched as Holden turned his head back slowly, the spot on his cheek where she had struck him had started to turn red and she instantly felt remorse. Kari could tell by looking in his eyes that any and all feelings had drained from him, and he looked more like stone than a man. This time as he turned his back to her he said nothing. He walked away, and he didn’t look back.
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