Broken Souls ... by Annay Dawson
Chapter 21
Addy laid there eyes tightly closed as the alarm went off. She so wanted to pull the covers over her head. The mornings were getting darker and it was getting harder to get up. Resisting the urge to stay in her warm bed, she cracked one eye open before whacking the alarm with her right hand. Rolling out of bed with a small sigh she felt chilled. Soon they would need the heat on full time. Coffee, she wanted coffee before Mia got up and the day really began. Shivering she pulled on her robe that laid at the end of the bed as she walked out the bedroom door toward the stairs that would lead her to that lifesaving brew.
She shuffled down the stairs in the dark, afraid to turn on a light so as not to wake anyone. Usually Holden had turned on the small light by the coffee pot in the kitchen by now but it was still dark. Usually it would be the second pot of the morning as he would have already made one and set it up for her to brew another one fresh. He must have either forgotten to turn on the light or he wasn’t up, or home, yet. She smiled as she reached the bottom step. All bets off, he was probably still in bed after his date last night, it was just a matter of whose bed he spent the night in. That might be a strange conversation to have with Mia if she found out. Hopefully she wouldn’t find out until she was much older. Kids grew up too fast these days, she saw that everyday in school.
Walking into the dark kitchen she made her way over to the coffee pot. Switching on the light above the stove she pulled the canister of coffee off of the shelf with one hand and grabbed the coffee pot with the other. She turned toward the sink to fill the pot. Out of the corner of her eye she caught a glimpse of a man sitting at the table. She screamed and dropped the pot.
“Sorry,” Holden looked toward her as the pot hit the floor and shattered, but he didn’t move, didn't even flinch. “Didn’t mean to scare you.”
“What,” and then she stopped. Even in the dark his eyes looked empty, red and puffy. He was wearing the same clothes that he had left in last night, and it didn’t take a rocket scientist to know that things hadn't gone well. “Oh,” was all she said as her shoulders dropped.
“Yeah, oh,” Holden got up and walked over. He grabbed the broom and dustpan from the corner. “I blew it Addy. I really blew it.” She could hear the slight tremble in his voice.
“Oh honey,” carefully and quickly she walked around the broken glass and pulled him in for a hug. The broom fell to the floor as he wrapped his arms around her for support. The look on his face was had been more broken than the glass carafe or when he had first arrived. His eyes were empty and her heart ached.
“I,” and he stopped talking pulling himself away.
“Sit down. Let me clean up this mess and then we can talk,” she picked up the broom, “Maybe we can figure something out.”
“What, that I was a,” and he stopped as he watched Addy make quick work of corralling the glass into the corner, “jerk.” Addy quickly put the broom down before grabbing Holden by the arm and pulling him back over to the chair at the table.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Addy could see his pain and she placed her hand on his arm.
“No,” slightly shaking his head as he said it, “We both said things...”
“Every couple fights,” as she said that he looked up at her, “I know I’m not one to talk but Cindy’s relationship is strong and I know for a fact that they argue. Some real biggies.” She knew she should stop talking, but she just couldn’t get her mouth to stop. Holden gave her a sad smile.
“Addy,” running his hand through his hair, “Thanks, but I think I need some time. I know she needs some time. Maybe it will work, maybe not, but I do know that I have been spinning my wheels here and maybe that should stop.
“That’s what I have been sitting here thinking about for the last four hours,” and Addison could hardly contain her surprise. “Yes, four hours. There have been a lot of things that have happened in the last six months. Some of them I never want to think about and some, just recently, that could have led to better things.”
“Okay,” she wasn’t sure of where he was going with this but she wasn’t going to stop him from talking. Her hand gently rubbed his arm waiting for him to continue. She didn't like the fact that he was using the past tense though.
“I could talk with her Addy,” his voice cracked a bit, “really talk with her, and not like I talk with Dr. McCoy. I could tell her about the helicopter accident and the good men that died and the ones that were hurt, but now,” Now Addy was listening carefully. He had never told her any of this and she tried not to show any shock. She could hear Mia beginning to move around upstairs and wished this was one of the days she would oversleep.
“Just tell me what I can do to help?” Trying to distract him from the noise above and not succeeding.
“Tyler, my editor, wanted to know if I’d take on a different type of project. It keeps me here in the States,” he half laughed, “Think he was trying to keep me from getting my ass blown off again. The more I thought about it last week or so the more interesting it sounded,” if she could Addy would have fallen to her knees and thanked God for Tyler. Had it really been that bad that she could have lost him for good; but Holden wasn’t finished talking yet, “But now, I think I need to head back to Baltimore and see what my options really are. Figure out what is right for me.”
“I know I don’t have to say it, but Mia and I would love to have you around more. I’ll understand if that’s not what you need or want, but,” Holden held up his hand as Mia came bouncing down the steps.
“Uncle Den you’re here for breakfast,” and she ran toward him throwing her arms around him.
“I am Me-Me, but I’m afraid I have to go back to my apartment to check on things today,” he watched as the joy slipped from her eyes and her mouth drooped into a small frown.
"Is that why you look so sad?" Mia was staring at his face.
“Yup. I'm going to miss you so much," and he pushed her hair out of her face trying to smile as he did it.
"Miss Kari will be sad too," she said it so innocently but Addy caught the tremble in Holden's bottom lip.
"Don’t worry, I’ll be back in a few days, a week at most,” he saw Addy give him the ‘don’t lie’ look she had perfected in the classroom. He gave her a small nod, “not more than a week, I promise,” and Addy tried to relaxed. He had never made a promise he hadn’t kept to Mia.
“Okay then, let’s get breakfast going,” and Addy started to pick up the broken glass. Holden grabbed for the bowls as Mia pulled out the silverware.
“Why do you have to leave again Uncle Den? Are you going to go out on another writing job?” Holden handed the bowls to Mia after she had put the spoons on the table.
“I need to talk to my editor, Tyler, about a bunch of jobs he has for me,” pulling down the cereal from the top cupboard he turned to see Mia just staring at him.
“Will it be dangerous?” her voice small was trembling. Holden hadn’t thought about how these last few months may have affected her. It carved out a little piece of what heart he had left looking at the pain in her eyes. Going down on one knee in front of her he took her hands.
“No, this one is not dangerous. I won’t get hurt this time and I will be back with you before you know it,” and he kissed the top of her head. No matter what his night had been like, and it had been awful, seeing the fear in his niece’s eyes was a pain he hadn’t felt before and couldn't stomach. He didn’t dare look at Addy. She must have known the stress that it had put on Mia and never told him. Tyler’s book offer was looking better and better.
“Okay,” but he could tell by the quiver in her voice that she didn’t quite believe him.
“How about I wait to leave until after I do reading groups today,” and that brightened her eyes a bit.
“Really?” and she started to smile again.
“Yes, really. How could I miss that!” Addy started to smile as well.
“And maybe once you get back we can fix some other things as well,” Addy was half smiling at him. Although he smile quickly disappeared when she saw the pain and loss in his eyes. Even though it was next to impossible she ignored it and with that the morning really got started.
When Kari moved her arm she winced. It was sound asleep and she could barely feel it, the pins and needles would soon follow. She almost wished she couldn’t feel the kink in her neck. Oh she was sore. She knew better than to sleep on the couch, but after what happened last night she couldn’t even step in her bedroom. Kari rubbed her tear swollen eyes with the hand that she could still feel as she unwillingly remembered the events that lead up to her crying herself to sleep here. Her mouth was all fuzzy and tasted of old food. That did nothing to ease the pain of the memories. She winced even now when she thought about all the mean words she had said.
Last night, after Holden had gone, Kari stood staring at the door that she had slammed closed behind him for a long time. She hated him for what he'd said and lashed out at him in the only way she could. As she stood there she realized the problem. He was right and her words had just been mean, meant to hurt and anger him. He had been living with his ghosts as well with every ache and pain he felt, but he had been trying to come back to life. She had just been spinning her wheels, pretending like she was making progress.
After getting over the fact that he had stormed out she had slumped into the couch and cried. Shock was over and reality had set in. Not only had she lost Trevor in a horrible accident she may have just pushed the only good thing to happen to her since away, and with those thoughts crystal clear and ever present she had cried herself to sleep.
Forcing her body to stand up she moved toward the bathroom. To get there she was going to have to go through the bedroom and face facts. She had still been trying to hold on to Trevor. She may have tried to start over but she had carried him with her, letting him be the excuse for not doing it. It was time to let him go for good and to move on with her life. The realization now wasn’t quite as painful as it had been last night. What really hurt was knowing that she was somehow going to have to try and undo the hurt that she had caused Holden. The very least she could hope for was that he would forgive her, but as she looked in the mirror she understood what she really wanted. It wasn’t just forgiveness, she wanted him back.
Glancing at her watch she wondered if he had gone up to the hiking paths today, to the pond where he spent the mornings away from his family to hide his pain from them. If he were there would he really want to see her? Could she blame him if he didn’t? Splashing water on her face she came to grips with the fact that no matter whether or not he wanted to see her, she owed him an apology at the very least. Grabbing at the towel she quickly dried her face and brushed her teeth. She would have to hurry if she was going to catch him. As she hurried back through her bedroom she stopped, turned, and walked over to the picture. Opening the nightstand drawer she gently placed the picture of her and Trevor inside it. Then with a resolve she didn't know she had, she closed the drawer and walked away.
The morning was going to be colder than it had been over the last few weeks. She pulled on a heavy sweatshirt and went into the kitchen to fill her water bottle. As she walked over to the door she pulled her heavy coat from the peg and put it on. Locking the door as she left she wished she had picked up some pastries yesterday that she could have taken as a peace offering, but as it was it was just going to be her and the feeble apology. With only that and a handful of tissue, she got into her car and drove away.
It was now eleven thirty and Addy looked at the door of her classroom. Holden had been standing there quietly as she finished giving directions to her class. Even though not all of them looked excited to do the assignment, they all reluctantly got to work.
“Heather, what do you need to do first?” Addy gave the girl her full attention.
“Write the sentences on our papers,” she seemed sure of her answer.
“Good. Now what does everyone need to remember to do when you write a sentence?” Addy reviewed the directions so that each kid would know what to do.
“Use a capital at the beginning,” a boy that Holden didn’t know blurted that out.
“Nice, and what else?” This time Addy held up her hand to remind the students to do the same. She called on another boy in the class, “Kyle.”
“And a period, and we have to underline the describing word too,” Kyle seemed happy with his answer.
“Okay, now everyone get started,” moving toward the door Addy only stopped briefly to get a couple more kids started.
“Just wanted to let you know I was taking off now,” and he gave her quick hug and a peck on the cheek.
“You going to be okay to drive?” there was a little worry in her eyes. He looked tired, and sad. Not the best describing words she could come up with but the ones that popped to mind as a second grade teacher.
“Yah, I’ll be fine. I will catch a nap at the apartment before my meeting with Tyler *tomorrow,” he smiled but it didn’t quite reach his eyes.
“A week to cool off will be good for both of you,” she ruffled his hair as he turned to leave, “Just drive safe will you.”
“Will do,” and then he stopped and turned just a little, “and you might be right about the other as well.” Giving her a half smile he then turned and left.
Addy walked back into her classroom to see most of the kids working hard, a few looking towards the door, and two trying to talk without being noticed. Sighing she didn’t bother to stop it as she thought about what she had told Holden. Boy she hoped she was right.
Holden got in his truck and shivered. Today was going to be a cold one. In just another week winter would be setting in for good. He turned up the heat a bit as he drove out of the parking lot. Even though he was tired, and he knew what he had said last night was insensitive but right, he couldn’t help himself. He just had to try for a glimpse. Driving past the clinic Holden looked to see if Kari’s car was there. It wasn’t. That wasn’t too unusual but it did nothing for his mood. She went out on a lot of home visits and even walked to work occasionally so why would her car be in the lot. Trying to comfort himself he reasoned that he would not have stopped to see her anyway as his shoulders drooped just a bit more and his truck rolled past. He wasn’t sure what he was hoping for by just seeing her car, but he knew that when he got back he would do anything to try and patch things up. It would have to start with the biggest apology he had ever made though.
Turning his focus back to the road he contemplated his new job prospects and it helped to lessen the ache in his chest. The book deal would give him the freedom to be around and pursue a relationship with her and give him more time with Mia and Addy. It would also be challenging, in a new way, and that was what he wanted. He had never thought of himself as a novelist, or settling down and having kids. He had always had Mia for that. After all she was the closest thing to a daughter that he had, and he hadn’t expected more. His thoughts froze for a moment, kids, where had that come from? Pushing his fingers through his hair as his truck left the city’s boundaries he wondered just how he was going to get back into Kari’s good graces.
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