Broken Souls ... by Annay Dawson
Chapter 15
Addison sat at the kitchen table trying to grade a stack of papers she had brought home with her. She should have finished with them an hour ago, but what with Mia not wanting to go to bed until Holden got home and Addison nervous about how the night went, she just couldn’t focus. Finally she had given up, made a cup of tea, and sat and waited for Holden as the TV droned on in the background.
He had called earlier and told her that he was going to try and take Kari, this woman he had been running into, out for supper. It was strange to hear her big brother ask permission to go out on a date. Even stranger for her to think about was that he had been running into the same woman, taken an interest in her, but had said nothing about her. Holden had dated a bunch of women. Some she knew about, some he hadn’t told her about. She wasn’t naive about his life. He had spent too many days with men who risked their lives routinely and danced on the edge not live a bit wild at times. She had read his articles and his emails. His emails gave her more of a clue of what it was really like for him.
These men also liked to run wild during their nights as well. When they could let go it helped to release the pressure they were always under, and although they may have been in a very restrictive environment it didn’t seem to stop the mingling, Holden’s words, not hers. In her world they had a different word for it. He had talked about all of these things to her on the phone and in email, well up until this last accident. That’s when he had stopped talking about any part of his life to her. Maybe if this new interest of his panned out he could open up again and begin to live once more.
The grumble of an old truck engine quickly brought her back to the here and now. She heard it before she saw the lights turn into the driveway and she shook herself back into the present. Addy switched off the TV as she watched the truck pull into the driveway. Holden hopped out, much like one of her energy filled second grade students. Addy’s smile grew as she watched him spring up to the door. Holden had only been happy lately when he was helping others. This was different, he was different, he was just happy. Whoever this woman was she had her approval. She hadn’t seen him truly happy with himself in the last few months he had been here and it warmed her heart. Quickly she sat down and pretended to grade papers again before he got to the door. When he walked in she was busy at work or so she thought.
“You know it would be more convincing if the papers were right side up,” Addison took a closer look at her pile of papers and noticed that they were the right way up. Holden chuckled.
“Okay, funny,” she stood up and walked over to make him a cup of tea. Holding up the box of green tea he gave a quick nod yes.
“Sorry I wasn’t here to help with Mia,” and he leaned on the counter still grinning from ear to ear.
“I wouldn’t say sorry yet,” Addison turned and raised one eyebrow as she looked at him. “When she heard you were going out she drew her own conclusions and spent the night chanting the ditty, Uncle Den has a girlfriend.” At this Holden winced. “Don’t worry I told her it was a secret yet and she couldn’t go blabbing it all around.”
“Thanks,” and he relaxed back into the counter, “I’m not really sure how serious this will be or if it will go past tonight.”
“Or tomorrow morning?” It was the question she was dying to ask.
“Or tomorrow morning,” and he took the cup he was offered and sat down at the table, “about that. I might be late…”
“Say no more,” and Addison sat opposite him at the table. “Miss Mia refused to go to bed tonight without finding out what happened on your date. So she is currently asleep, last I checked, in your bed. So you get to move her and answer all those sleepy questions.” Holden laughed.
“Well played sis,” and he pushed up from the counter putting the cup down to go and put Mia in her own bed.
“Hey, don’t think you are finished here,” and she pointed to the empty chair, “When you’re done get back down here pronto. You're so not done here.”
“You’ve got it,” and at that he moved off up the stairs. Addison was amazed. He was still smiling and wasn’t that something.
Holden hopped down the stairs about fifteen minutes later, still grinning. Mia had asked a few questions; is she nice, yes; will I get to meet her tomorrow, no; and the oddest one, will she be my aunt. He had no answer for that one. That was all he allowed her before tucking her in and closing her door. He then went back to his room for a moment and made sure that his pack was ready for the morning. There was no way he was missing seeing her again. He could still feel the warmth of her cheek in his hand and the smell of her shampoo, apples. He liked apples.
Holden was also avoiding the inquisition that awaited him downstairs as long as he could. Addy would want answers and right now all he had was questions. Looking around the room that he occupied when here, it was more of a home than the small efficiency that he had back in Baltimore. At least here he had pictures up of family and friends. A couple of items he had brought back from the time he had been in Eastern Europe, an old Soviet military watch and some cheesy miniature of what was now called the Cathedral. The old church was now a museum, but was still known as Saint Basil’s Cathedral located in Red Square. That was one story he would never forget. He had won the Mike Berger Award. Berger had set the standard for human-interest stories. Holden had chronicled the changes one Russian family had gone through, USSR to Russian days, during the times of geo-political change. To this day he still thought about that family, sent them cards every year.
There was a slight tap at his door and he turned to see Addy standing there with his cup of tea. He really hadn’t thought he had been that long but maybe he had. The trip down memory lane seemed to have cost him time. Putting the cheesy miniature back down he turned to give her his full attention.
“Thought you might be having a problem with Mia,” and she waited. Addy was good at waiting. Better than he had remembered her to be as a little girl.
“No, she had lots of sleepy questions but I was able to get her off to bed before she could completely wake and give me the third degree,” and he grinned.
“So I guess that will be up to me,” Holden was about to say something until Addy held up her hand signaling him to stop, “Let’s go downstairs and have that talk you promised. I know you avoided some things yesterday,” It wasn’t until they were both seated at the kitchen table that she spoke again.
“Holden, I’ve been patient these last couple of months as you have healed, but the last few days have really left me wanting,” and she paused, “No, needing more. You come in here looking like you’ve survived, well, I don’t know what. I walk around you like there were eggshells everywhere so as not to say or do something that will upset you.”
“I’m so sorry Addy,” Holden really was sorry about all of it. He hadn’t been able to find the guts to talk about it until tonight. Hadn’t wanted to face what had happened until just this evening, and maybe the worst part of all of it was that he hadn't shared it with Addy.
“Don’t be sorry. It takes time to heal. I’m one who knows,” Addy’s mind flashed back to the bastard that was Mia’s father and although she had learned to let it go, it still hurt. The hurt was more for Mia now than for her, but hurt was hurt.
“It hasn’t been,” and Addy’s hand went up again stopping whatever he was going to say.
“I want to get this off my chest first then you can do what you want with it and tell me what you think I need to hear,” Holden gave a quick nod of his head. “Before you got here this time a physiatrist from the base called. He didn’t say much but warned me that you needed to be watched. At first I had no idea what he meant, and then you got here.
“It was obvious that whatever had happened, you had been really hurt this time. Even Mia could tell. But I told her, like I told myself, that whatever it was it was over and that you were fine,” she took a sip of tea and continued, “Mia may have believed that but I didn’t. I watched my brother dive into one task or another for others even though he should have been sitting and taking care of himself. I watched every morning,” and she nodded her head to confirm that she had been up each and every morning watching him drive off, “wondering if I should be worried about what you were up to and if you were coming back. You are not a soldier but once you were embedded you got treated like one. You hear about all these cases of PTSD and...” she couldn't continue. She had read too many cases soldiers with PTSD just driving off and killing themselves.
“Add I am so sorry. My head just wasn’t in the right place when I first arrived,” and she put her hand up again and then pointed at his tea telling him to drink, not talk.
“Water under the bridge, and I could tell that whatever you were doing was helping somehow. Then you started your regular visits to Dr. McCoy,” she guessed they had been required, “Yes, I found out about them. I thought at least you could talk to him about whatever had happened. But alas,” and she smiled, “That wasn’t to be either.
“But tonight,” and she smiled and this time he could see that Addy was happy, like some weight was lifted off her shoulders, “But tonight when I saw you come home I saw you happy, truly happy, and it wasn't because you were doing anything for anybody. For the first time since you’ve gotten here you were happy just to be you.”
“Addy you know I love being here with you and Mia,” Holden started.
“I know that,” she said shaking her head as if he wasn’t getting it, “I know that you enjoy spending time with Mia like she was your own daughter and God knows she loves you just like a father, but through all of this I could see the hurt deep down. I know you bro so don’t go thinking that all this time you were able to hide just how much you’ve been hurting. Up until this week I was happy to give you time, but I have to admit, your time was going to be up,” and she tipped her head to the side, “Whatever happened tonight; whoever this Kari is, I know she is someone you can talk to, someone that seems to have lifted some of the weight off your shoulders. Weight that you wouldn’t let anyone else carry and I am so happy for you.”
She was done, and from the look in her eyes Holden knew that she was really happy for him; happy that he had finally found someone to talk to, to share with. Deep down he knew she was a bit disappointed that it wasn’t her, but she could shoulder that easier than watching him hurt privately. And just like that the world seemed even brighter, more hopeful. Holden sat there with a silly grin on his face, sipping at his tea and just watching his sister for a moment. Her expression never changed and she waited, only this time it was without trepidation of what he was going to say or do. He had put her through so much and he hadn’t even known it.
“If I had known,” he started with.
“You weren’t in a place to realize it yet and I didn’t want it popping up and slapping you silly when it did. I thought I should tell you and let you know that I am fine with how this has all turned out. I am happy to have you back,” she stopped.
“But I’m not sure this thing with Kari will go anywhere,” and Addy patted his hand.
“It already has sweetie, it already has.” Holden didn’t say anything more before going up to bed. Whether or not things worked out with Kari, Addy was right things had changed in a major way, and in a short time period as well. These were the last thoughts that went through his head as he fell into a very satisfying sleep with dreams of Kari.
Morning came fast and he woke with a lopsided grin for no other reason but Kari. He realized that for the first time in months he was happy with himself. Instead of living through each sunrise and the coming day he had woken up looking forward to it the last week or so. And as he got up and later climbed into his truck he knew that for once, the smile wasn’t leaving his face. It had been there throughout the entire time he had shaved, gotten dressed, and made coffee. The only thing that would be different this time was that he had his good pair of hiking boots with him.
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